Self-compassion & healing your relationship with food
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is a daily practice that is a supportive skill to nurture when healing your relationship with food.
I refer to self-compassion as a "skill" because I think it takes time to practice and genuinely implement in a way that feels authentic. Having self-compassion in short means providing ourselves with the same kindness and care that we would give a good friend. Self-compassion is self-kindness versus self-judgement and criticism. Self-compassion is warmth, gentleness and understanding for your own hardships, challenges and dynamic emotions.
Tip:
Self-compassion is a practice. Give yourself time. What is one simple way you can offer yourself some compassion today?
Why is self-compassion important while healing your relationship to food?
The truth is, healing your relationship to food is a marathon not a sprint. It is a journey and often one that is often a non-linear experience. When an individual begins to work on healing their relationship to food, it is not uncommon for strong emotions to be experienced. When difficult emotions arise, having compassion for yourself and what you are feeling is incredibly important.
When the journey feels like "one step forward, two steps back) it can feel discouraging and there may be a tendency to blame yourself. The thing is that healing your relationship with food often requires doing things that are new, different, scary and opposite. It is hard. Starting the journey with an understanding that it will be tough and acknowledging all of the steps you take along the way that eventually add up is so important. Offering yourself kindness while you do things that are scary and hard is so necessary.
The three elements to self-compassion
1. Self Kindness versus Self Judgement
2. Common humanity versus Isolation
3. Mindfulness versus Overidentification
Tip:
Recognize and acknowledge self-critical and judgmental thoughts. Is this something that you would say to a friend?
Self Kindness versus Self Judgement
We can offer ourselves self-kindness by responding to ourselves in moments of difficulty and struggle very much in the same way we would respond to a good friend. With warmth, understanding and gentleness. Have you ever noticed that the things you say to yourself in moments of self-criticism or judgement are things that you would never ever say to a friend? How can you bring more of what you offer so easily to others inward to yourself? For example:
Imagine that you plan to incorporate a feared food for a snack. You have tried the food once before, and were able to eat a bit of it. It's your second attempt, and you are feeling fairly confident that you can try it again. You have talked through a plan for before, during and after eating the feared food with your care team and reviewed the plan prior to giving the food another try. You have every intention of trying the food again, but today it feels harder and scarier than the first time and you cannot bring yourself to try it again. You feel disappointed and your self-talk goes something like this "I feel like a failure. Why haven't I been able to try this food again"
How could you approach this experience with more compassion and kindness for yourself?
An example might be reminding yourself that having the intention to try the food again is really brave. You were not able to try the food again today, but you remind yourself that you have only tried the food once before and it's still new for you. You remind yourself that you can try again another day, and offer yourself the same kindness that you would offer a friend in the same situation. What would you say to a friend here?
Common Humanity versus Isolation
This component of self-compassion is recognizing that you are not alone in your experience. Part of the human condition is to feel as though we are all alone in our struggles and that others can't possibily be feeling the same things that we are.
Surrounding yourself with people who love and support you is so important. Also seeking the support of others who are experiencing the same challenges as you are in relation to food can be really therapeutic. A great example of this would be a peer support group. Being with other people who are experiencing some of the same fears and feelings truly helps you to know that you are not alone. You are not isolated. Others are going through the same thing.
Mindfulness versus Overidentification
““Painful feelings are, by their very nature, temporary. They will weaken over time as long as we don’t prolong or amplify them through resistance or avoidance. The only way to eventually free ourselves from debilitating pain, therefore, is to be with it as it is. The only way out is through.””
What is mindfulness? "Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them." Mindfulness requires that we do not over identify with our thoughts/feelings, rather that we notice our feelings with curiosity and a non-judgmental approach. Mindfulness is awareness of how we react to our thoughts and feelings.
Let's think back to the example provided above.
Imagine that you did not offer yourself self-kindness and continued to think negatively about yourself. What might happen? You may continue to beat yourself up and react negatively. This in turn would leave you feeling even more defeated. You may feel even more hesitant to try the feared food again because of how the experience felt this time.
Now imagine that you noticed the judgmental thoughts, but were able to become curious about them. For example, perhaps asking yourself "Why am I being so hard on myself? I'm doing something that is really hard and I'm making some headway. Recovery is a non-linear journey and I'm having a bit more of a challenging day today. I'll try again tomorrow."
You were mindful and reacted positively, shifting your thinking back to what you have been able to accomplish so far.
Tip:
Can you be mindful of your feelings without judging them?
Self Compassion as a Practice
Remember, self-compassion is a daily practice. It takes time to develop just as learning any other skill would!
It can be very helpful to explore the topic of self-compassion with a skilled therapist who can further support you with exploring the topic more in depth. If you are interested in reading more about self-compassion on your own, I would highly recommend that you visit https://self-compassion.org/resources-2/
References:
www.self-compassion.org